COYOTE TAKES NOTE

(“Bangin’ the BIG Ole Wal Again”)

Coyote, hightailing it back home with a bag of eats, having lifted his hind leg in another salute to Big Box Enterprises (outskirts, downtown Sturgeon Bay), pauses momentarily on his trek through fields and woods in northern Door, looks around, licks his paws and reflects:

It’s not enough that territory Door keeps shrinking/expanding with more and more million dollar McMansions built for couples trained in the art cocktail party-giving, flaunting House & Garden living styles, pretending to `go rural’, transforming the economical and ecological landscape to benefit their own kind, while the majority of Door’s poor working bastards suffer the consequences of higher property values, higher taxes, higher prices, more deep pocket people demanding more services that `they’ are accustomed to elsewhere, leaving the real people with a private peninsula going deader than Door nails.

Now we got the ghost of Big-Daddy Sam still knocking on the door, determined to transform the home territory BIG time with a humungous Superstore that knows no bounds except total destruction, zero tolerance, for small businesses left in downtown Sturgeon Bay. Thank you Uncle Scam. “Made in America,” indeed---for you and your band of corporate cronies, intent to turn the whole world into one-stop shoppers, relegating us all, eventually, to happy Wal*Mart greeters at minimum wages—not to mention a health insurance paid by little you and me—instead of BIG THEM.

Coyote opens a big bag of cookies, take a big bite out of a big Keebler chocolate chip cookie (just purchased…ON SALE, and counts the number of Kraft Dinners (10) he’s bought for only 67 cents a box!

He makes note of his recent “mission accomplished” mission statemeent:

“Stack it deep; sell it cheap; stack it high and watch it fly; hear those downtown merchants cry!”

Along with the Top Ten Wal-Mart Worker Complaints he’s been trying to memorize:

10. Cut-rate Tequila sometimes makes it tough to focus on barcodes.

9. Merchandise mostly not worth stealing.

8. Always something spilling on Aisle 5.

7. Kids just hate it when we run out of guns.

6. Job doesn’t make use of the people skills I learned as a carny.

5. Blue smocks tend to clash with Megadeth T-shirt.

4. Currently have to many teeth to qualify for promotion.

3. Ghost of Sam Walton keeps dropping prices while no one’s looking.

2. Stowaway kids in every crate of Kathie Lee clothing.

1. Having to use the bathroom after the elderly man that works at the front door just got through using it.
***

What to do about Wal*Mart? Everybody’s punching bag these days. Not only do the Wal-Martizis come in and tell you what they’re going to do to improve your lifestyle (more jobs, good service, guaranteed wall-to-wall sameness and mediocrity), they also promise to beautify the local landscape, (delivering us from a rural `ugliness’ of trees, fields, and open spaces—in their eyes) by building the “Taj Mahal” of superstores where shoppers may shopping-cart-worship down the long aisles to kingdom come, muttering Allahs and hosannas to Sam on high above the rafters…

Note for future reference::

REJECTED WAL-MART SLOGANS/Bumper Stickers:

“Always, Low Prices At First”
“Big, Bad, And Selling Crap”
“SPILLS ON ALL ISLES”
“WE SELL RUSTED BIKES”
“Cheap prices on Cheap Products”
“WE ARE WATCHING YOU”

Back in his home territory, the midnight hour fast approaching, he pauses a while to spend some quality time in the comfortable den of one of his coy coyote lady friends, comforting her with chocolate chips, and other things.

“Oh, these are THE best, Ole Man Coyote,” she says. “Wherever did you get them?”

“Price-wise beyond belief,” he tells her. “And they’re giving away my Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinners, chump change per box……“I hate Wal*Mart!”

Ahooooooooooooooooooooooooo,
Coyote